The Wacky Deli

This will be the only article you ever read that includes Ewoks, hipsters AND Dolly Parton…

BY DEREMY UNDERHILL
Civilization Connoisseur

Last week, Civilization 5 – the latest version of Sid Meier’s video game franchise – hit store shelves. Like many of my “Civver” brethren, I had waited in line since 5 am on Sept. 20 in anticipation of its midnight release that evening. It was a little creepy because most of the other people standing outside my local Best Buy with me were weirdo super-fans dressed up like leaders from the game, like Napoleon, Elizabeth I and Gandhi. Of course I didn’t do anything that crazy, besides put on a Marilyn Monroe wig and pretend to be George Washington.

For the most part, Civ 5 is getting solid reviews. Which makes sense, because any video game featuring big giant death robots has to score at least 9 out of 10. But there have been some criticisms, such the advanced graphics requirements, and the relative lack of gratuitous nudity (except for the Greeks’ unlockable “Great Bathhouse” wonder, but even then, the asses are pixelated).

Like most past versions of the game, Civ 5 will likely feature an expansion pack in the coming months to make it even bad-assier, including new military units, new world wonders and new civilizations. Accordingly, I have a few suggestions for Sid to consider for the update – five new civilizations that will make Civ 5 wackier than ever!

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From The Wacky Deli:

CORUSCANT, THE GALACTIC CORE – Earth comedian Stephen Colbert has been forced into hiding following a tongue-in-cheek appearance before the Imperial Senate mocking Emperor Palpatine’s galactic regime.

Senate leadership had brought in Colbert as a special comedic treat for delegates on their final session day;  earlier this month the council was ordered dissolved by the Emperor to consolidate his grip on power.

However, instead of the lighthearted act expected by Senate honchos, Colbert delivered a scathing satirical take on the Empire’s autocratic government as senators and the Emperor sat in attendance. Performing in-character as a brash, pro-Palpatine pundit, he parodied the Empire’s controversial policies on a wide-range of issues.

“For the record, I always did think Alderaanians were way too lippy,” said Colbert, referring to the recent destruction of the world by the Empire’s Death Star. “What with their ‘free thinking’ and ‘love of liberty.’ Let the destruction of that planet of granola-munching hippies be a lesson to all – dare to question your Sith overlords and your world will be turned into a gigantic pile of Kibbles ‘n Bits.”

Then, turning to face the cameras, he added with a raised eyebrow: “And that means you, Wookies,” referring to planet Kashyyyk’s fiercely independent native population.

As senators shifted uncomfortably in their chairs, Colbert turned his attention to the Emperor himself, who was listening to the comedian sternly from his throne on the Senate’s main floating podium.

“All hail our glorious super-centenarian emperor! May you quash civil liberties, enslave civilizations and blow planets to smithereens for centuries to come!” Colbert said, standing up and saluting the cloaked despot. “But if I may have a word with you, my liege – mayhaps you’ve been too lenient on the citizenry? Sure, moon-sized planet killers keep somepeople in line, but are they harsh enough to stomp out the Rebellion? I say if you really want to rein in the yokels, you need to step the cruelty up a notch. I’m talking mass castrations via lightsaber. Raise taxes on porn. Force intransigent star systems to replace their regular cable programming with non-stop episodes of The Jar Jar Binks Show. Then, and only then, will you truly impose the fear and oppression you seek.”

The Emperor became visibly irritated as the performance went on, glaring at the comedian with his notorious “look of death,” clutching his throne’s arms and mumbling inaudibly to himself.

“And I mean this with all sincerity, Your Highness – you don’t look a day over 150 years old…180 tops,” Colbert cracked. “Which is exactly what this galaxy needs in its emperor. I mean let’s face it – to be believable, tyrants have to look the part, and by that I mean old and decrepit. A galactic empire run by an Ewok just wouldn’t instill the same level of fear one run by a creepy geezer in black robes who drools, smells like nursing home and looks like he was run over repeatedly by a couple AT-ATs…”

That was apparently the last straw for the Emperor, who then jumped up, yelled to his guards,“Wipe him out – all of him!” and began hurling force lightning at the comedian, who made a hasty retreat out of the Senate chamber via somersaults.

While Colbert’s current location is unknown, sources within the Rebellion say he is safe and under Jedi protection on an undisclosed world said to be “swampy and wet.”

Editor’s note – Deremy Underhill contributed to this report

Additional editor’s note – the “B” in Salacious B. Crumb stands for “Bread”

Beleagured Illinois Governor Quinn Fires Illinois Voters

“This has not been an easy decision for me because I’ve enjoyed a very productive relationship with Illinois voters for I’d say, uh, most of my political career,” the Governor said during a press conference at Chicago’s James R. Thompson Center. “But lately I’ve been, uh, greatly troubled with the public’s handling of my approval ratings. For too long it’s hovered in the low 20’s, when it should easily be in the mid-to-upper 30s. I’ve been patient. I’ve been accommodating. But enough is enough – the time has to come to find a new electorate which is, uh, more receptive to my constant flip-flopping and hare-brained schemes.”

(Click here for full story)

Then…a short time later…

BREAKING: Quinn backtracks on firing Illinois voters

OLNEY, Ill. – Less than two hours after he vowed to fire Illinois voters, Gov. Pat Quinn reversed himself this afternoon, claiming the remarks were taken “totally out of context.”

At a ceremony in downstate Olney naming the white squirrel as Illinois’ official rodent, the Governor clarified his earlier statement in which he said he intended to hire a new set of voters “more receptive to my constant flip-flopping and hare-brained schemes.”

“Firing voters? That’s just plain silly,” the Governor said. “If you had listened to my entire statement, you would have heard that I, uh, meant to say I wanted voters ‘fired up.’ Yes, fired up about my bold new plan to, uh, introduce sweeping legislation that would give targeted tax breaks to, uh, disabled senior citizens who install solar panels on their wheelchairs, Rascals and other motorized scooters, thereby helping our great state conserve dozens of kilowatt hours annually.”

(BEST OF THE WACK - MAY 20, 2010)

“We figure by the time he hits puberty, the American public will have tired of his barfy singing and moppet haircut, so we’re getting a head start,” says Trevor Ochmonek, Director of Disney World Attractions. “Given the effusive, kindergartenish attention he gives to older women, we’ll probably stick him in the back of the stage between animatronic Debbie Gibson and Hilary Duff.”

Ochmonek says Robo-Bieber will be programmed to give a short speech at the end of the multimedia show on the benefits of using Axe shampoo and conditioning products.

WASILLA, Alaska – Sarah Palin made a high-profile stop at her neighborhood Walgreens this morning, fueling speculation she will use the visit as a springboard for a potential 2012 Republican presidential bid.

A horde of reporters and curiosity seekers followed the former Alaska governor as she casually browsed the merchandise armed with a blue basket and coupon circular. At the cosmetics counter, she complimented the elderly clerk’s perm, saying “Nice do!” and engaging in some friendly Clairol-related chit-chat.

She then picked up some Maybelline nail polish remover and headed to the home cleaning aisle, where she perused the various fabric fresheners.

“Don’tcha just love the smell of Febreze in the mornin’?” she said to the assembled crowd. She sprayed a few test samples in the air before finally settling on the brand’s “Downy April Fresh” scent.

Then, after meandering through the ladies’ hosiery section and eyeing up some leg warmers (“gosh, I’d better not – First Dude is sayin’ we’re on a limited budget this month”), she found herself at the checkout aisle, where she purchased a pack of Strawberry Bubblicious chewing gum and handed it to a wheelchair-bound little girl in line behind her.

“Well, aren’tcha precious?” she said, patting the girl on her head affectionately and autographing her mom’s copy of the National Enquirer. “Don’tcha be believin’ what you read in there…except maybe the John Edwards stuff,” she cracked, getting some chuckles from the other shoppers.

As she was leaving the store, she passed a uniformed marine on his way in. She stopped, snapped a salute and said, “God bless ya for your service” as the paparazzi’s flashbulbs captured the moment.

Her visit complete, she blew a brief kiss to the crowd of sidewalk gawkers outside, gave a wink, and hopped into her awaiting black Chevy Suburban.

Political observers have since been dissecting the visit, trying to discern whether it contained clues as to her presidential ambitions.

“In my opinion, the signs that she’s running for president were unmistakable,” said Yale Political Science Professor Christopher Plum “By complimenting the elderly clerk, she was clearly trying to pander to the crucial senior voting block. Her purchases of Febreze and nail polish remover were meant to demonstrate how she’d be a breath of fresh air in office, and seek a more transparent government. Likewise, when she refrained from buying the leg warmers, she was suggesting she can be frugal in tight fiscal times. Getting the bubble gum for the wheelchair girl was a clever way of reaching out to the families of the disabled. And saluting the marine? Pure political genius – her standing among service members will go up at least 6 points.”

Stay tuned tomorrow, as The Wacky Deli and major cable news networks provide wall-to-wall coverage of the Palin family’s high-profile visit to Anchorage’s Kenny Rogers’ Roasters.

After spending 30 hours rooting through her trash, The Wack’s crack team of dumpster-diving investigators have found out what they are!

10. Feels mildly guilty about letting her Good Housekeeping subscription expire

9. Has never won at Scrabble, but kicks ass at Hungry Hungry Hippos

8. Always tells hobos she doesn’t have change. In reality? She actually does.

7. Can heat up a mean can of Campbell’s Cream of Chicken soup

6. Wishes that annoying Justin Bieber twerp would get run over by a steamroller

5. Finds commercials with those talking babies extremely creepy

4. Sometimes salts her food before tasting how salty it was to beginwith

3. It’s unlikely she’s ever clubbed a baby seal.

2. Kinda dubious about that whole “Bigfoot” business

1. At witches’ covens, often expressed uneasiness during the infant sacrifices

(compiled by Deremy Underhill and Kevin Evin)

Click HERE for more breaking news from the Wacky Deli. Coming next week - our 10-part exposé on pie!

Once teeming in the millions and inhabiting cities from sea to shining sea, middle-of-the-road GOPers have seen their numbers decimated in recent months to the point many scientists say it’s unlikely their numbers will recover soon, if ever. Even in the Northeast, a region once believed to be hospitable to their kind, sightings of moderate Republicans have been rare of late – their ranks dwindled to a select few…

(Click HERE for the rest)

(Click HERE for the full story).

This week, American marines rescued a ship that had been taken over by pirates in the Gulf of Aden. In tribute to those brave, pirate-ass kicking jarheads, the Wacky Deli proudly presents this past Wack top 10 list that first appeared in April 2009 - the Top 10 Somali Pirate Excuses!

9. Like, when they attacked Greek was on and, like, we totally never miss Greek…

8. Freddy Sanchez had on off night (oh sorry, that was for top 10 PITTSBURGH Pirates’ excuses).

7. Parrot mascot “Polly” was actually covert CIA double agent Ivana Crackers.

6. Argh, ’twas all Bush’s fault!

5. In retrospect, making Gilligan the pirate leader wasn’t a good idea.

4. They had sharpshooters and battleships. We had pantaloons and rusty swords. YOU do the math.

3. Most of the crew was off moonlighting as extras on Pirates of the Caribbean 33 ½: The Final Insult.

2. Hope for reinforcements from Blackbeard crushed after learning he’s been dead for 300 years.

1. Felt that Barack Obama finally needed some good news

See the full list here.

Three articles by ace journalist/ranconteur/Bigfoot hunter Deremy Underhill parodying the recent “Stephen Hawking says there’s no God” controversy:

God: Stephen Hawking didn’t create the Universe

Irked God defriends Stephen Hawking on Facebook

Stephen Hawking doubts Stephen Hawking exists

Be afraid…be very afraid…